Dependence

I know it has been so long since I posted. It is crazy how life just gets away from us sometimes. It has been a very challenging year to say the least.

I have fallen into a funk over the last couple of weeks and I wish I could put my finger on why that is. I don't want to see or talk to anyone, I don't want to go out of the house, I don't want to do any of those things that I enjoy doing, like crafting, quilting or spending time with friends. I hate this feeling. I have had such bad headaches that I can hardly pick my head off the pillow, I missed two of my acupuncture appointments this week because of it. I am trying so hard to search why I am feeling like this.

I was talking to Brian last night and he gave me such encouragement, I love my husband!! He is the most gentle, patient and generous man I know. He asked questions, he prayed with me, he gave me scriptures to lean on. Can a woman ask for anything more than that? He said "honey, you are one of the most positive women I know, what will I do if you start ranting when we are stopped at a red light instead of saying "this is a time when God wants you to stop and reflect on him" I just couldn't help but laugh. He knows me so well. I have always looked at life as there is a silver lining somewhere. I find the positive in everything. Why is it so hard to find some positive now? My life is good, I have a wonderful husband, my kids are doing so well, I just got back from a dream vacation, I spent some wonderful time with my sisters and my nieces and nephew, what is wrong with me??? There is no reason to be feeling like this. One of my friends I texted the other day, she asked "when is your hubby coming back?" and I said Friday. I think something clicked a little. Brian has been gone most of the year and I didn't think it bothered me, well I guess it has. Part of me is missing. I have always been a strong person. But him being gone so long has taken a toll on me. But just knowing that my hubby is in the house and I know I can talk to him, hear him snoring, lean into him when I feel weak, know he will be here to take care of me when I don't feel well, hug me until I can't breathe, scare me every chance he gets, make fun of the way I pronounce words, take care of the family and just knowing when I fall asleep at night he is just there to protect me. Maybe I just didn't know how much this would effect me. But tonight he comes home and I am so grateful.

I appreciate that he has a job, that I have had the opportunity to visit countries that I never would have had he not been there, that we have a steady income, dont get me wrong. But I am very thankful for all those things. I just know that some of this funk is because my other half is not here.

I opened my devotional book today "Jesus Calling"....(fabulous devotion book if you don't have a copy...go get it). The devotion today was exactly what I needed. I will give the parts that stood out to me. It started out "hold my hand and trust, so long as you are conscious of My Presence with you, all is well." "Fearful and anxious thoughts melt away in the light of My Presence. When you turn away from ME, you are vulnerable to the darkness that is always at work in the world. In the world dependence is seen as immaturity. But in My Kingdom, dependence on Me is a prime measure of maturity." Man, is this ever true to me today. I think I started to depend on myself too much and not ask God to be my husband while Brian was away. How prideful I am sometimes. I just thought I could do it in my own strength and that is just not true. Fear and anxious thoughts have been running rapid through me lately. I haven't been taking every thought captive, I haven't been reaching out to others, I haven't been seeking God's strength instead of my own, I let go of HIS hand. After all this time as a believer how do I still fall into dependence on self? Knowing what I know. I am human, I fall and like the devotion said "darkness is always at work in the world." Of course the enemy will use whatever it takes to pull us down and he knows just what to use against me...pride. But the scales are off my eyes and I know just how to battle this. I take hold of God's righteous right hand and hold on tight. And when Brian again leaves next month I will find my strength in God and not self. Thank you God for upholding me in your hand and seeing me through this even when I turn away I know I can turn back to you and know you are there!!! And thank you to my husband for being the spiritual leader you are to me and our family!!!