Warning this is real!!!
Have you ever had one of those days when the Holy Spirit just pop's you up side your head? When something is brought to your attention and it can take you back years to a place where it just hurts? Where one comment from someone can have you pondering about it all night? Is that how people really see me? Is this still a character defect in my life? I thought I was making such progress in this area.
There was a time in my life where I held very high standards of myself and of others, where I had such a critical and judgemental spirit. I hurt many people with this attitude, so many that it hurts just to admit it. I was brought up to follow the rules or else there would be pain...physically, emotionally or verbally involved. So, needless to say I became an avid rule follower....and if someone broke the rule I would be the one that had to point it out. I wanted life to be fair. Being the oldest of 6 (that lived in the same house) I just wanted things to be fair....why...I don't know that is just how I felt. That leads up to my adulthood where I still felt the need to make things fair. I had an attitude of "why do I do all the things right and that person can fall in poop and come out smelling like a rose every time?" So, therein lies the judgemental and critical spirit. In my quest to make things fair a couple of years ago I really hurt someone by telling this person...they weren't following the rules. What right did I have to make things right? What right did i have to stand in judgement of someone else? NONE!!! It was one of the most painful times spiritually in my life for the backlash I recieved changed the course of my life along with my family. But along this 12 month process of this incident, I continued to be on the opposite side of critical people and judgementalism towards myself. There were hateful, hurtful and spiteful words and actions poured out on me....not that some of it I didn't deserve.
But over the course of the last 2 years I really took to heart what happened, what my part was in it and what character defects I needed to have God help me with. It has been a painful and very real transformation. I am actually repulsed by judgemental attitudes in myself or in others...I will be the first to come to someone's defense if someone is judging or being critical. I have tried very hard to shed the defect of "Being Holier Than Thou", I never want people to think I feel more Godly than anyone else. I would hope that my friends would tell me if I come across like this, because I truly do not want to come across that way. I know what a wretch I am, I know I don't deserve anything but death for my sins, I know that I am not perfect so far from it....it scares me.
Believe me I DO NOT have it all together and most times I am a mess. This is why our family found our church home TCAL, because their motto is "No Perfect People Allowed" I am one of those not perfect people. I have issues, I have flaws, I have struggles and a ton of baggage from the past that still sometimes follows me around.
Anyway, as I lay awake last night pondering the comment...I thought to myself "why did I take such offense to that?" And like the Holy Spirit always does he shined a big bright light on what it was. First, it brought me back to a painful time in my life, second, I have tried so hard to kick that habit of being holier than thou, third the real good eye opener is that I want the approval of others. I don't want people to see the negatives in my life, I want them to see the positives. I want people to like me...it scares the crap out of me when I offend someone or someone is mad at me. There it is in black and white....I am insecure.
I am hoping and praying that God will prepare my heart this week before we go on our women's retreat to actually become unchained of this insecurity. That I can truly deal with it and finally break free from this chain that binds me.
Wowser I can't believe I just said that or wrote that, but hey this is Get Real Monday.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Standing in the gap.
That last week I have been standing in the gap for some of my friends in constant prayer. It seems as though things have been falling apart for so many around me. One day this last week, I had three people fall into my arms and cry as I just held them. It broke my heart to see such pain, agony, sadness, fear, bitterness, anger, and a myriad of other emotions that came out of each of these people. Not that any of these emotions were wrong at all, that is just how they felt and it was an honor to hold them and comfort them.
God has given me so much to think and pray about over this last week. I have prayed for physical healing in friends, emotional healing in others, restoration of families or relationships, the salvations of family, car issues, discpline and balance for myself, friends with financial issues and for the TCAL Womens Ministry Retreat. I can honestly say I have been on my knees a ton this week and cried buckets and felt the presence of the Lord very strongly. I love the time I have spent with Him this week in prayer and worship. He has shown me more grace and love with each prayer than I can express to you.
Today, as I sat and listened to some worship music I found some of my favorite songs and loaded it to my blog. Each of these songs remind me of someone I have been praying for this week so I hope you take the time to listen to them. Each of them has special meaning to me and I hope it blesses anyone who listens to them.
Stand in the gap for someone today. The Lord hears the prayers of the righteous!!!
God has given me so much to think and pray about over this last week. I have prayed for physical healing in friends, emotional healing in others, restoration of families or relationships, the salvations of family, car issues, discpline and balance for myself, friends with financial issues and for the TCAL Womens Ministry Retreat. I can honestly say I have been on my knees a ton this week and cried buckets and felt the presence of the Lord very strongly. I love the time I have spent with Him this week in prayer and worship. He has shown me more grace and love with each prayer than I can express to you.
Today, as I sat and listened to some worship music I found some of my favorite songs and loaded it to my blog. Each of these songs remind me of someone I have been praying for this week so I hope you take the time to listen to them. Each of them has special meaning to me and I hope it blesses anyone who listens to them.
Stand in the gap for someone today. The Lord hears the prayers of the righteous!!!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
WOW!!!
I know all my readers are going to be shocked or laugh their rears off about what I am going to share. Brian and I love to play World of Warcraft....now it probably isn't the best use of our time, but it is something we do together. It is like date night for us...I know they may sound sad to you, but to us this is a way we bond.
So, a couple of months ago we shared this passion with some friends of ours Kim and Brian now they are hooked as much as we are. The funny thing is our kids get such a kick that we have our friends come over for WOW parties. We have dinner together and and eat snacks as we play. Heather and Melissa are so sweet as to let us borrow their computers so we can all play together in the same room....you should hear some of the conversations that go on in this game room. We all have different characters and go do battle together. We have so much fun!!! There is no shortage of sword fighting, yelling "Kim heal me", "I need some help over here", "Brian Fultz stop just running in without us getting some mana", "Tammy, do you always have to fall in holes or get lost", and of course my Brian yelling "hey, dont mind me over here getting my reared kicked while you are all off doing who knows what".
In other words, we are computer geeks to the max. Heather and Melissa came home the other day and found us in our office all playing together so they snapped a picture so I thought I would share it with you all. Get a good laugh.
So, a couple of months ago we shared this passion with some friends of ours Kim and Brian now they are hooked as much as we are. The funny thing is our kids get such a kick that we have our friends come over for WOW parties. We have dinner together and and eat snacks as we play. Heather and Melissa are so sweet as to let us borrow their computers so we can all play together in the same room....you should hear some of the conversations that go on in this game room. We all have different characters and go do battle together. We have so much fun!!! There is no shortage of sword fighting, yelling "Kim heal me", "I need some help over here", "Brian Fultz stop just running in without us getting some mana", "Tammy, do you always have to fall in holes or get lost", and of course my Brian yelling "hey, dont mind me over here getting my reared kicked while you are all off doing who knows what".
In other words, we are computer geeks to the max. Heather and Melissa came home the other day and found us in our office all playing together so they snapped a picture so I thought I would share it with you all. Get a good laugh.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Get Real
So, I got up this morning to prepare for a CT scan on my abdomen at 6:15am. I drank that nasty tasting barium at 6:15, 7:15 and 7:45. Drive to the diagnostic health place to get this done...get undressed...go into the CT scan room and the technician asks me...I see you have bad allergies....I say yes...I carry an epipen....he says did you take the steroid preparation medications....I say "no, nobody told me about that"....he says..."well since you had a reaction to dye in the past you will need to be on steroids before I can inject you with dye." I told him "you have got to be kidding me"...he says "we will have to reschedule you after you call your doctor to call you in a prescription of steroids." I was so frustrated....I mean come on...could you have not told me that when I came in on Friday to pick up the contrast to drink? I am so irritated with doctors right now. Why can't it be easy for me to get procedures done? After drinking that nasty tasting stuff feeling nauseated all morning I have to start all over....geez!!! I have a call into my GI doctor now...hopefully he will just go ahead with the colonoscopy and get it over with. If not I think I will just live with the pain and suck it up.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Strength Finders Test
Of course you all know we have been studying strengths and weaknesses in womens group. I took a strengthfinders test in September of last year and I thought I would post the results like my friend Kim did so just maybe you can know me just a little bit better.
My top 5 strengths in order are:
Positivity
Woo
Adaptability
Restorative
Communication
Now, for the brief discription of each.
Positivity-They are upbeat and can get others excited about what they are going to do. Enjoys chatting with all sorts of people. The acquisition of infromation is a basic need. Genuinely fascinated with the mystery of life. You sense youare part of the lives of other individuals and accept they are part of your existence...this outlook on life influences what you say or do for people. Often experience satisfaction with your life when someone asks you to scutinize, assess, examine or evaluate things such as people, processes, plans or mechanisms. You probably decide life is grand when you have more ideas to offer the group than anyone else....often your assertiveness surprises you as well as others.
Woo-You derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection with another person. You often bare your sould to total strangers. Your openness understandably draws many newcomers or outsider into casual converstaions as well as serious discussions. "what you see is what you get" person. There is little mystery about who you are. You usually make a point of talking to strangers. You spark the interests of others with your keen wit and sociable nature. You can quickly establish an easy rapport with individuals by telling a joke, smiling introducing yourself, or giving a compliment. You recongnize laughter as a universal language. You are apt to remind individuals of ways they can use their knowledge, skills, or talents to benefit an individual or the entire team. You often enlighten people about potential partnerships, common interests, or shared goals. When you have an idea, the right words, stories or examples quickly come to mind. The animated give and take of debates stimulates your thinking.
Adaptablility-Prefer to "go with the flow." Tend to be "now" people who take things as they come and discover the future one day at a time. Most comfortable reacting to whatever happens as it occurs. You welcome change in processes, plans, procedures or the ways resources are distributed. You can adjust to a wide range of circumstances without becoming upset and thus causing others to become troubled. You can handle or deal with issues the moment they arise. You are probably grumpy on the days you are forced to follow rigid schedules or procedures. By nature you generally let the pressures of each day determine what you need to revise, correct, repair, remodel, upgrade, revamp or rework. You enjoy reading it allows you to gather information to expand your storehouse of knowledge. You have a habit of avoiding the company of restless people when you want to give your undivided attention to a book magazine article, newspaper account, personal correspondence or official document. You have the good sense to be flexible and accept change as it occurs. This explains why your friends often describe you as unflappable or not easily excited.
Restorative-Adept at dealing with problems. Good at figuring out what is wrong and resolving it. You usually offer people useful suggestions about what needs to be fixed, upgraded, renovated or done better. You enjoy pondering what you can revise, correct, renovate, upgrade or relocate. Whey you are curious about a person, event, topic, project, activity, or idea, you devote much energy and time to studying it. Today offers you plenty of opportunities to do things better. You participate in conferences, seminars or classes when ideas are exchanged about how to make things better. A natural talker, you enjoy telling others about the upgrades you have made.
Communication-Easy to put thoughts into words. Good conversationalists and presenters. You amuse people with your stories. You enliven conversations so everyone involved has fun. You probably express yourself with ease and grace. It is very likely you drive much personal pleasure from reading, because you are continually filling your mind with fresh ideas. You freely share your ideas or feelings with others. Being tongue tied or unable to speak freely is rarely a problem for you. Ease with language enables you to meet, greet and treat strangers as if they already were your friends. You very much enjoy the animated give and take of a lively discussion.
Well, that is pretty much me in a nutshell. I can't believe how right on this test was....crazy!!!
If you want to take this test you will need to buy the book Strengthfinders or and go to website and put in the code in the book. I warn you it takes quite a bit of time to complete so make sure you got a good hour to spare.
My top 5 strengths in order are:
Positivity
Woo
Adaptability
Restorative
Communication
Now, for the brief discription of each.
Positivity-They are upbeat and can get others excited about what they are going to do. Enjoys chatting with all sorts of people. The acquisition of infromation is a basic need. Genuinely fascinated with the mystery of life. You sense youare part of the lives of other individuals and accept they are part of your existence...this outlook on life influences what you say or do for people. Often experience satisfaction with your life when someone asks you to scutinize, assess, examine or evaluate things such as people, processes, plans or mechanisms. You probably decide life is grand when you have more ideas to offer the group than anyone else....often your assertiveness surprises you as well as others.
Woo-You derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection with another person. You often bare your sould to total strangers. Your openness understandably draws many newcomers or outsider into casual converstaions as well as serious discussions. "what you see is what you get" person. There is little mystery about who you are. You usually make a point of talking to strangers. You spark the interests of others with your keen wit and sociable nature. You can quickly establish an easy rapport with individuals by telling a joke, smiling introducing yourself, or giving a compliment. You recongnize laughter as a universal language. You are apt to remind individuals of ways they can use their knowledge, skills, or talents to benefit an individual or the entire team. You often enlighten people about potential partnerships, common interests, or shared goals. When you have an idea, the right words, stories or examples quickly come to mind. The animated give and take of debates stimulates your thinking.
Adaptablility-Prefer to "go with the flow." Tend to be "now" people who take things as they come and discover the future one day at a time. Most comfortable reacting to whatever happens as it occurs. You welcome change in processes, plans, procedures or the ways resources are distributed. You can adjust to a wide range of circumstances without becoming upset and thus causing others to become troubled. You can handle or deal with issues the moment they arise. You are probably grumpy on the days you are forced to follow rigid schedules or procedures. By nature you generally let the pressures of each day determine what you need to revise, correct, repair, remodel, upgrade, revamp or rework. You enjoy reading it allows you to gather information to expand your storehouse of knowledge. You have a habit of avoiding the company of restless people when you want to give your undivided attention to a book magazine article, newspaper account, personal correspondence or official document. You have the good sense to be flexible and accept change as it occurs. This explains why your friends often describe you as unflappable or not easily excited.
Restorative-Adept at dealing with problems. Good at figuring out what is wrong and resolving it. You usually offer people useful suggestions about what needs to be fixed, upgraded, renovated or done better. You enjoy pondering what you can revise, correct, renovate, upgrade or relocate. Whey you are curious about a person, event, topic, project, activity, or idea, you devote much energy and time to studying it. Today offers you plenty of opportunities to do things better. You participate in conferences, seminars or classes when ideas are exchanged about how to make things better. A natural talker, you enjoy telling others about the upgrades you have made.
Communication-Easy to put thoughts into words. Good conversationalists and presenters. You amuse people with your stories. You enliven conversations so everyone involved has fun. You probably express yourself with ease and grace. It is very likely you drive much personal pleasure from reading, because you are continually filling your mind with fresh ideas. You freely share your ideas or feelings with others. Being tongue tied or unable to speak freely is rarely a problem for you. Ease with language enables you to meet, greet and treat strangers as if they already were your friends. You very much enjoy the animated give and take of a lively discussion.
Well, that is pretty much me in a nutshell. I can't believe how right on this test was....crazy!!!
If you want to take this test you will need to buy the book Strengthfinders or and go to website and put in the code in the book. I warn you it takes quite a bit of time to complete so make sure you got a good hour to spare.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Friends
God always amazes me how much he blesses me with friends. When I was a teenager I didn't have a lot of friends....I think I had one girl friend through high school. I have always had a hard time relating to girls/women. For the longest time I didn't want to get involved with women because I thought they were catty, back stabbing, manipulative and competitive. I always related more to boys/men so much better...there were no games.
I can't name a specific time God started to work in my life about this but has been within the last 5 years or so. He has given me new eyes to see women as princess's in God's kingdom. I can say that I love women now...that I value who they are...that I can see the hurt many of them feel. I can honestly say now that I have such great female friends that it continues to blow my mind. I love my friends so very much....I can't imagine my life without my friends. They bring me so much joy, strength and love!!
I love how my friends know when I don't feel well and give me a word of encouragement or pray for me. How I can not have it all together and they just love me right where I am at. How I can open my heart about my troubles and know that someone is going to come along side me and pray. How they can text me just at the right time with some word that lifts my spirit. How they meet me at the gym to hold me accoutable to exercise. How they help me not just look at feelings, but to look at facts. How they can send a card that comes at a day when I am feeling blue.
Yes, my friends are very valuable to me and I can happily say that I have women in my life that are not catty, back stabbing, manipulative or competitive. They are loving, compassionate, positive, inspirational, genuine, honest and reliable. Thanks to all my friends....you know who you are!!!
Thank you God for sending each one of them into my life.
I can't name a specific time God started to work in my life about this but has been within the last 5 years or so. He has given me new eyes to see women as princess's in God's kingdom. I can say that I love women now...that I value who they are...that I can see the hurt many of them feel. I can honestly say now that I have such great female friends that it continues to blow my mind. I love my friends so very much....I can't imagine my life without my friends. They bring me so much joy, strength and love!!
I love how my friends know when I don't feel well and give me a word of encouragement or pray for me. How I can not have it all together and they just love me right where I am at. How I can open my heart about my troubles and know that someone is going to come along side me and pray. How they can text me just at the right time with some word that lifts my spirit. How they meet me at the gym to hold me accoutable to exercise. How they help me not just look at feelings, but to look at facts. How they can send a card that comes at a day when I am feeling blue.
Yes, my friends are very valuable to me and I can happily say that I have women in my life that are not catty, back stabbing, manipulative or competitive. They are loving, compassionate, positive, inspirational, genuine, honest and reliable. Thanks to all my friends....you know who you are!!!
Thank you God for sending each one of them into my life.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Get Real Monday's
This week in my women's community group we are talking about strength's and weaknesses. Why does society tell us not to talk about our strengths? Like if we do it is bragging or we are being prideful. Why does everyone so focus on their weaknesses? I have so many weaknesses it would take me days to fill up this blog. But when I try and look at my strength's it is like I have to really grasp or ponder for a long while what they really are.
So in honor of Get Real Mondays I am going to try and list some of my weaknesses and strengths.
weaknesses-laziness when it comes to housework, lack of discipline, easily distracted or hyperfocused on things, procrastination, boldness that can put others off.
strengths-Can adapt to anything, compassionate, outgoing, creative and loves people.
I used to think if I just worked on my weaknesses then I would be a better person, but as time has passed I have learned to play to my strengths since really God has given those strengths to me. And you know that there are other people out there that have immaculate homes, lead a very disciplined life, can focus without becoming addicted to something, that get things done in a reasonable time, and that can use a ton of tact while still being bold...that I don't have to be all those people. That if I had all of those things too that the world would be such a boring place.
That God made me who I am for a reason. He gave me adaptibility so that when change happens I just roll with the punches and not freak out. That when someone is hurting I can give them a shoulder to cry on. When God puts me in a situation that might be uneasy that I can handle it with a smile, or a laugh. That I can think outside the box on many issues. And when I am around people I gain so much more than when I am not.
So, what are you focused on? Strengths or weaknesses?
So in honor of Get Real Mondays I am going to try and list some of my weaknesses and strengths.
weaknesses-laziness when it comes to housework, lack of discipline, easily distracted or hyperfocused on things, procrastination, boldness that can put others off.
strengths-Can adapt to anything, compassionate, outgoing, creative and loves people.
I used to think if I just worked on my weaknesses then I would be a better person, but as time has passed I have learned to play to my strengths since really God has given those strengths to me. And you know that there are other people out there that have immaculate homes, lead a very disciplined life, can focus without becoming addicted to something, that get things done in a reasonable time, and that can use a ton of tact while still being bold...that I don't have to be all those people. That if I had all of those things too that the world would be such a boring place.
That God made me who I am for a reason. He gave me adaptibility so that when change happens I just roll with the punches and not freak out. That when someone is hurting I can give them a shoulder to cry on. When God puts me in a situation that might be uneasy that I can handle it with a smile, or a laugh. That I can think outside the box on many issues. And when I am around people I gain so much more than when I am not.
So, what are you focused on? Strengths or weaknesses?
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