Get Real Monday.

I can't believe the first TCAL women's retreat is over. I don't like things to end, I kind of go through a greiving process. Brian says that is why I sometimes don't finish things I don't want things to end. But this weekend was filled with some of the most amazing women any person can be blessed with. We had so much fun preparing for the event. To see everyone's hard work and dedication to the retreat was just inspiring to say the least. To look across a sea of 115 women and see them praising the Lord is a glimpse of what heaven will be like, I was in awe and of course I cried. I thought of God looking down on that room and Him thinking "this is what I want from all of you to have real relationship with each other and with Me your Lord". (do you put quotation marks before or after the period?) Anyway, I could feel the presence of God so strongly in that room even before the women came in, it was like God was dwelling there. I loved it!! There is nothing like feeling the presence of God....it sometimes overwhelms me.

There was a few things that God really laid on my heart this weekend and some of it was not too good. One of the chains I carry is insecurity, I touched on that in my last post, so I think God had been already working on me with that particular chain leading up to the retreat. But still to actually take it in and write it on a piece of paper made it real.

One of the speakers, Beth as she was speaking I thought she has been reading my journals? She spelled out my life right there as she spelled out hers...it was so freaky. We both have very similar backgrounds, so simiular in fact I thought maybe I had another sister that my parents didn't tell me about. The thing is most of the same chains she listed were my chains some in the past and some I am still dealing with presently. She mentioned that her mom didn't work so she wanted to make sure she didn't have to rely on any man to take care of her. I was like that....I thought and did those same things. I didn't want any man to control me. So for a very long time I was going to control me, I didn't want anyones help, it was me against the world...well I am afraid to tell you I struggled with the chain of pride...and I still have to watch myself or it will rear it's ugly head in my life. I didn't want to admit that for the longest time in my life, I needed others help...in essence I was telling everyone I can do it better than you can. I can't tell you probably how many times I blocked someone by blessing me or being blessed because of my pride. Another thing she said is she didn't like to show emotion, I struggled with that for years. I thought I was not going to let anyone see me cry for that was a sign of weakness. That tough exterior, the thoughts of if I seen people cry I would be like "come on, put you big girl panties on and get with the program. Yes, I used to think those things...that is awful to admit, but it was true. Thank God he has ripped that away from me...now I cry all the time and I know that "in our weakness He is made strong". Now, when women cry I have this heart of mercy and compassion that I swear is from God and I just want to hold them. Praise God he has given me this gift and I see women through His eyes now.

Anyway, it was like God took Beth's talk and said here "Tammy look this is you" I was so floored...I was confused...I was emotional...but I also was grateful that God cares enough about me to show me yet again some more layers he has peeled off or is continuing to peel off of me. Thank you Beth for your transparency and being obedient to what God laid on your heart to share.

The other thing God showed me in a very powerful way is to be PRESENT with the person who is in front of you. I swear I have ADD. I can be talking to someone and sometimes my mind goes to the 10 other things I should be doing. Well, that happened this weekend with a young woman named Michelle. It was the end of the retreat and we were cleaning up and she came up to me to talk to me really to reach out to me and my mind was on how much I needed to get done. I was not present with her...I felt the Holy Spirit say "ask her if she needs to pray or talk" and I was not obedient...all I thought was "tammy you have to go do this and do that". How incredible rude I was to her!!! So, she went on her way. About 10 minutes later I saw her talking with another leader of the retreat and she led that girl to Christ. Can you believe I missed an opportunity because I was so busy? That I didn't stop just to be with that woman...that I was so selfish and self centered? I did not give Michelle the time and attention she deserved!!! That made me sick in my spirit. I cried all the way home, because I knew in my heart I could have possibly damaged her, what if she left and never talked with the other leader? How many more people have I done that too? How many more opportunties have I missed because I was so busy to be present with that person? I was crying not because I wanted to be the one to lead her to Christ...I was crying because I didn't give her the time and attention she deserved, that I didn't listen to the Holy Spirit, that I let her down and let God down. Now, I know God's mission was accomplished she will be in heaven and her name is now written in the lambs book of life and I praise God for that!! It is amazing how God works everything together for good. I know I wasn't the to be the one to lead her to Christ, but He used that as an opportunity for me to learn a very valuable lesson to be present with the one you are with. Don't let the busyness of your mind or life get you off track from the relationships God made us to build. So, if I am in your presence and you see that I am not really paying attention to you or my mind is somewhere else...I beg you to remind me to BE PRESENT.