Get Real Monday.

Warning this is real!!!

Have you ever had one of those days when the Holy Spirit just pop's you up side your head? When something is brought to your attention and it can take you back years to a place where it just hurts? Where one comment from someone can have you pondering about it all night? Is that how people really see me? Is this still a character defect in my life? I thought I was making such progress in this area.

There was a time in my life where I held very high standards of myself and of others, where I had such a critical and judgemental spirit. I hurt many people with this attitude, so many that it hurts just to admit it. I was brought up to follow the rules or else there would be pain...physically, emotionally or verbally involved. So, needless to say I became an avid rule follower....and if someone broke the rule I would be the one that had to point it out. I wanted life to be fair. Being the oldest of 6 (that lived in the same house) I just wanted things to be fair....why...I don't know that is just how I felt. That leads up to my adulthood where I still felt the need to make things fair. I had an attitude of "why do I do all the things right and that person can fall in poop and come out smelling like a rose every time?" So, therein lies the judgemental and critical spirit. In my quest to make things fair a couple of years ago I really hurt someone by telling this person...they weren't following the rules. What right did I have to make things right? What right did i have to stand in judgement of someone else? NONE!!! It was one of the most painful times spiritually in my life for the backlash I recieved changed the course of my life along with my family. But along this 12 month process of this incident, I continued to be on the opposite side of critical people and judgementalism towards myself. There were hateful, hurtful and spiteful words and actions poured out on me....not that some of it I didn't deserve.

But over the course of the last 2 years I really took to heart what happened, what my part was in it and what character defects I needed to have God help me with. It has been a painful and very real transformation. I am actually repulsed by judgemental attitudes in myself or in others...I will be the first to come to someone's defense if someone is judging or being critical. I have tried very hard to shed the defect of "Being Holier Than Thou", I never want people to think I feel more Godly than anyone else. I would hope that my friends would tell me if I come across like this, because I truly do not want to come across that way. I know what a wretch I am, I know I don't deserve anything but death for my sins, I know that I am not perfect so far from it....it scares me.

Believe me I DO NOT have it all together and most times I am a mess. This is why our family found our church home TCAL, because their motto is "No Perfect People Allowed" I am one of those not perfect people. I have issues, I have flaws, I have struggles and a ton of baggage from the past that still sometimes follows me around.

Anyway, as I lay awake last night pondering the comment...I thought to myself "why did I take such offense to that?" And like the Holy Spirit always does he shined a big bright light on what it was. First, it brought me back to a painful time in my life, second, I have tried so hard to kick that habit of being holier than thou, third the real good eye opener is that I want the approval of others. I don't want people to see the negatives in my life, I want them to see the positives. I want people to like me...it scares the crap out of me when I offend someone or someone is mad at me. There it is in black and white....I am insecure.

I am hoping and praying that God will prepare my heart this week before we go on our women's retreat to actually become unchained of this insecurity. That I can truly deal with it and finally break free from this chain that binds me.

Wowser I can't believe I just said that or wrote that, but hey this is Get Real Monday.